Bucket List

There are some things in life I thought would never change. Like, I've always said the phrase they'd put on my gravestone would be, "She worked." Then people happened, events, decisions - and I was changed. Now I hope they will write, "She lived." There have been times when I worked hard and achieved a goal and then the moment I stand before it, I pause and look back, and I find I don't want it anymore even through a moment before I wanted it more then anything. Like getting my degree. I gave everything to graduate with a B.S., on time, with a 3.95GPA. I thought as I walked forward to shake hands and take my diploma that I would be happy and proud - but I wasn't. I didn't care. So much time, work, and sacrifice and I didn't care. I just felt restless as I always do. Was it - is it - a challenge I crave? No, I have challenged myself and still I am restless. Success? No, it did not satisfy me. People? Growth? Danger? Next...it's like a puzzle I keep trying the different pieces, but nothing fits. I am forever restless, itching for change, reaching for the next big thing. I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me? Why can't I settle like everyone else? Do others feel this way? Is it normal to feel this way? Maybe I over think it. Maybe I'm just bored, but I never use to feel this way. How do I get back to those days? The days when I did what I did because I wanted to, and not just to prove I could.

I think I'll make a bucket list. A truly honest bucket list, as honest as I can make it. It will list the things I truly want to do and the other things I will try to see through and let them fall to the way-side.

Bucket List:

*Slide on playground (special meaning just for me :) )
Pilots licence (truth: I don't really want it. I just want to prove I can get it.)
Be a bad ass on my Ninja
Go to New Zealand
Live in another country
Go paragliding
Go zip lining
Go bungee jumping (truth: might be too scared to do it or enjoy it.)
Go sky diving
Go snorkeling
Go to a bookstore and put all the bibles in the fiction section (scandalous! lol!)
Have a child and teach it / show it everything
Be an outstanding mother
Touch Grave Digger and see the show
Return to Alaska and Sierra Vista for closure
Become a surfer
Become a climber
Become an extreme cave diver
Go to Rapa Nui/Easter Island

This list/entry will remain a work in progress.

My Letter to You

My dear little one,

I have been dreaming of you all my life. I've wanted you since before I knew that it was you I yearned for. Since my youth I have felt you calling to me. I would sit in class and watch out the window as the trees swayed to a beautiful calling, feeling the warm breeze soft on my face. I swear I could almost hear your whisper. In college I would stand at the large windows looking out over the campus, distracted by a call and a desire I didn't know or understand. I'd fill the rooms of my life with friends and lovers, games and movies, hobbies and studies, but always I was looking out that window. I was being called by something. I would think to myself, what's out there? Why am I still searching? I grew up and so did my understanding of you. One day I knew, and it was like I had known all along. You have always been in my heart. Each day I look forward to meeting you. I imagine the tiny hands, the late nights, and the first steps. I can close my eyes and see us in the fall, we're playing in the leaves, your laugher, and your tiny hand holding mine. I can see the day when my kisses will no longer heal all wounds and you'll learn the truth about the world. My heart hurts to know that even when I finally meet you, I will only hold you for a while. The day will come when you no longer hold my hand. Someday, you'll walk away from me, holding the hand of a lover and this moment, this one right here, you will know it as I do. I love you, and I can't wait to meet you. I wish upon every star in the sky. I want to show you everything. You are my everything, my little one.

Til the time has come,

me