The Real Price of Poverty

My family has been home the last two days due to the winter weather. I'm profoundly surprised by the amount of food we've consumed in that time. It makes me think back to my mother and wonder how on Earth did she ever feed us all. Her house was always full with her five children coming and going with their friends, boyfriends, husband, or children and every cat or lost child that came our way. See I'm the second youngest of my mother's children so I still lived at home when my eldest sister returned home due to injures caused by a car accident and my second eldest sister returned home (many times) with her two children when her husband and her weren't getting along. My boyfriend moved in at one point when his family kicked him out. There were years when my brothers friends lived with my mother off and on due to family issues. There were always too many people and too few beds, but more love and laughter then I've known since.

Now married with a family of my own, currently eating their way through everything we have in the kitchen, I have to stop and wonder how she kept us all feed? And how did she find the generosity to always say yes to whatever lost soul found its way to our door? One of my most vivid memories is of her siting at the table with "her papers." By hand she would sit and calculate every penny, for hours sometimes, while she drank cups of coffee. I was a self absorbed child at the time, but looking back I can see clearly that she was stressed, even afraid. The way she tapped her pen and look so intent. I think she thought that if she worked the numbers enough she could make it work for another month. And somehow, she did.

I know we had help. My father paid child support for me. It helped. We ate church food when times got really hard. Sometimes a friend or a church would go out of their way to help us. The Christian Clinic gave my sister the expensive drugs she needed to control her seizures and keep her alive. My mother was always counting the cents. I remember we would go through the grocery and she would hand pick each item based on value. She knew what each item would cost down to the penny. If the price went up even ten cents we would do without that week. There were times when my mother would miscalculate and we'd get to check-out with a dollar more food then she could pay for. The seconds felt like minutes as she agonized over what she would put back. But more often then not the person behind her would give her the dollar she needed. Sometimes they'd give more. Sometimes they even paid for the whole ticket.

I know that people helped and that's how the dollars were enough, but today I wonder how she dealt with the fear. She was responsible for all of us and everyday she lived in fear that she would not be enough. As my own three year old, who has never wanted for anything, runs around our house so happy and warm and full, I find myself in tears imagining how I would feel if it were different. If I was alone, not enough, and everyday feared that I would fail her. That she would be hungry and then I would lose her. It is only now as an adult and a mother myself that I can understand what my mother went through. As a child I was often angry with my mother and I blamed her. I was so self-centered I never realized how hard all this must have been for her. I think now, she didn't have to fight so hard. She could have given us up to the state and been done with it. Of course, I know what she would say. I know because now I'm a mother too.

Chronicles of George

http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/tickets3.htm

Because some things are just that funny.

Bucket List

There are some things in life I thought would never change. Like, I've always said the phrase they'd put on my gravestone would be, "She worked." Then people happened, events, decisions - and I was changed. Now I hope they will write, "She lived." There have been times when I worked hard and achieved a goal and then the moment I stand before it, I pause and look back, and I find I don't want it anymore even through a moment before I wanted it more then anything. Like getting my degree. I gave everything to graduate with a B.S., on time, with a 3.95GPA. I thought as I walked forward to shake hands and take my diploma that I would be happy and proud - but I wasn't. I didn't care. So much time, work, and sacrifice and I didn't care. I just felt restless as I always do. Was it - is it - a challenge I crave? No, I have challenged myself and still I am restless. Success? No, it did not satisfy me. People? Growth? Danger? Next...it's like a puzzle I keep trying the different pieces, but nothing fits. I am forever restless, itching for change, reaching for the next big thing. I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me? Why can't I settle like everyone else? Do others feel this way? Is it normal to feel this way? Maybe I over think it. Maybe I'm just bored, but I never use to feel this way. How do I get back to those days? The days when I did what I did because I wanted to, and not just to prove I could.

I think I'll make a bucket list. A truly honest bucket list, as honest as I can make it. It will list the things I truly want to do and the other things I will try to see through and let them fall to the way-side.

Bucket List:

*Slide on playground (special meaning just for me :) )
Pilots licence (truth: I don't really want it. I just want to prove I can get it.)
Be a bad ass on my Ninja
Go to New Zealand
Live in another country
Go paragliding
Go zip lining
Go bungee jumping (truth: might be too scared to do it or enjoy it.)
Go sky diving
Go snorkeling
Go to a bookstore and put all the bibles in the fiction section (scandalous! lol!)
Have a child and teach it / show it everything
Be an outstanding mother
Touch Grave Digger and see the show
Return to Alaska and Sierra Vista for closure
Become a surfer
Become a climber
Become an extreme cave diver
Go to Rapa Nui/Easter Island

This list/entry will remain a work in progress.

My Letter to You

My dear little one,

I have been dreaming of you all my life. I've wanted you since before I knew that it was you I yearned for. Since my youth I have felt you calling to me. I would sit in class and watch out the window as the trees swayed to a beautiful calling, feeling the warm breeze soft on my face. I swear I could almost hear your whisper. In college I would stand at the large windows looking out over the campus, distracted by a call and a desire I didn't know or understand. I'd fill the rooms of my life with friends and lovers, games and movies, hobbies and studies, but always I was looking out that window. I was being called by something. I would think to myself, what's out there? Why am I still searching? I grew up and so did my understanding of you. One day I knew, and it was like I had known all along. You have always been in my heart. Each day I look forward to meeting you. I imagine the tiny hands, the late nights, and the first steps. I can close my eyes and see us in the fall, we're playing in the leaves, your laugher, and your tiny hand holding mine. I can see the day when my kisses will no longer heal all wounds and you'll learn the truth about the world. My heart hurts to know that even when I finally meet you, I will only hold you for a while. The day will come when you no longer hold my hand. Someday, you'll walk away from me, holding the hand of a lover and this moment, this one right here, you will know it as I do. I love you, and I can't wait to meet you. I wish upon every star in the sky. I want to show you everything. You are my everything, my little one.

Til the time has come,

me

EDC (Every Day Carry)

An EDC is defined as follows:

"Everyday Carry, or EDC, generally refers to small items or gadgets worn, carried, or made available in pockets, holsters, or bags on a daily basis to manage common tasks or for use in unexpected situations or emergencies. In a broader sense, it is a lifestyle, discipline, or philosophy of preparedness."
Source: http://everyday-carry.com/
-Follow the link for additional examples.

The above link is not where I got the idea from, but it's full of good examples of other EDCs. Previously, I had called my bag the Shit Happens bag. After a friend sent me the above link I started calling it my EDC.

Honestly, like most great ideas, I can't give you a single event or conversation that made me commit to a philosophy of preparedness. I've always lived it to some degree. The man who taught me how to break, train, and show horses use to always say, "It's better to have it and not need it, then need it and not have it." Maybe it's because I grow up in a military family. Or maybe because I grow up too fast and always needed to be prepared. It was likely a million things, and most of them I couldn't name. In any event, I have committed fully to a life of preparedness. In pursue of that goal, I have been building my EDC.

Every EDC is different. What a person carries is very much dependent on how one lives life. My EDC helps me be prepared to do the things I will likely do as well as emergency situations. However, it's also my compass in life. Being young, just out of college, I think a lot about who I want to be and how I want to live my life. I often think to myself, if I die tomorrow, will people be able to look at my life and see me?...Or will they see a different person?

These thoughts are new and convoluted in my mind so let me try to explain. It's all about priorities. Step one is to figure out what I want and where I want to go/be. Step two is to make a plan. Step three is to execute that plan. These are the steps I believe I must take if I wish to direct my life. Otherwise, life will push me along down the road and there's no telling where I'll end up. I may end up somewhere I don't want to be.

I have a good idea of how I want to live my life, major things I want to do, places I want to go, and how I want to work. Now, I just focus on moving in that direction. My EDC is a good indicator of where I am on that journey. A cop carries a gun. A construction worker carries a hard hat. These things communicate to them and everyone else what they do. I can analyse my EDC and it communicates to me what I do, who I am, and how far I have to go before I'm the me I want to be.

Currently, my EDC contains:

Electronic Tools: microscope crank and solar -FM/AM and weather band radio -/light -USB charge port and audio port 250GB external drive and USB cable 8GB USB stick long range wireless mouse (range: ~50ft.) headlamp small flashlight IPOD/charge cable/headphones	Emergency Gear: crackers and gum reserve cash water proof container water proof poncho multi tool: -compass/whistle/flashlight -/thermometer/mirror/magnifier survival kit in a can -(For content info: http://www.nitro-pak.com/products/survival-kits/survival-kits/survival-kit-in-a-can)
First-Aid: bandages chapstick Hygiene: folding hair brush oil absorbing sheets tooth brush floss tooth paste tampons/liners hand sanitizer	Medical: anti-Acid tablets Ibuprofen UTAs Benadryl Peptobismol tablets No-Doz A 1000 Uses: handkerchief
Paper Goods: Shapie and pen notebook checkbook NATO phonetic alphabet -I forget a letter every now and then :)	Tools: fire starter hobo knife tiny screwdriver length of Velcro bottle opener tool kit with bits carabiners

It's a work in progress and I hope it always will be. I add, replace, and take away as my daily needs change. If I want something for my life, for example, if I want to be more outdoorzy, then I add outdoor items to my bag and put myself in situation where I need to use them. It feels wonderful to always have what you need and its great to be that person. The one who always has that tool or knife that is needed.

*As a side note, in addition to my EDC, I carry my wallet, phone, and pocket knife on me.

Green Me Babe

So in the past year I've been a lot more focused on being green/eco-friendly. I use to think that recycling my plastic bags made me green, but I've taken it to a whole new level now. I use to think being more green meant more work and responsibility and who has time for that? However, I've learned that's not true. I've made some really simple changes that I think will make a difference and I hope they will inspire you to make small changes too. If we all do a little together we can do a lot, right? Some changes I've made include:

EDC (Every day carry):
Will ramble more about this bag of wonders later, but for now, know that I carry a hobo knife in it. A hobo knife is a folding pocket knife that has at least a fork, knife, and spoon, plus sometimes a corkscrew. This means that when I eat away from home I don't use plastic ware, which over a year, I can't imagine how much plastic that saves (I eat away from home a lot!). I also carry a clean handkerchief for clean up rather that be a runny nose, an oil leak, or a scraped up knee. This way I don't use disposable items. In addition, I carry reusable shopping bags clipped to my EDC. I never can remember to put reusable bags in my car or to bring them into the store with me. However, when I carry my EDC with me everywhere, I already have everything I could need with me, including my reusable bags. This is a link to the wonderful shrinking bags I use:

http://www.chicobag.com/p-16-chicobag-original.aspx

Recycling (duh):
I know it isn't easy for everyone. Here in Little Rock, if you live in an apartment you can't have a personal recycling bin so you have to deliver it to the recycling plant yourself (sucks!). However, places like Wal-Mart and Target have recycling bins and they will let you recycle your goods there. Don't be afraid to do so it's totally cool (I checked). Still, you may want to check with your local shops to be sure. Now that I have a house I have a bin I put out by the road. Did you know the flyer crap you get in the mail is recyclable? I didn't, but I recycle it now.

Bring your own containers:
I try (still working on the habit) to carry reusable plastic containers in my car so when I go out to eat I can use my containers for leftovers instead of using disposable containers. Again, I'm sure this cuts down on my go-out-to-eat waste. Of course, another green option for some, is to just eat all your food. Too...full... X.x ^.^

Reduce packaging:
So there are some things one has to have in a particular brand, like Cheez-It. Love Cheez-It! NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM *crackers everywhere...However, there are other things we don't care about, like trash bags. For the things I don't care about, I buy a brand that uses less packaging. For example, I buy trash bags that come in a roll without a box around them. There's just a tiny bit of sticky labeling to recycle instead of a whole box. What about those cereals that come in bags? They are cheaper and more green because there is no box. I don't eat cereal, but if I did, that would be a great way to go.

Use Method:
Method is a brand of cleaners that is focused on being eco-friendly. I like it because the cleaners are green and they smell good. If you don't like Method pick another eco-friendly brand. In any event, start looking for friendlier dish soaps, body washes, detergents, etc.

Reduce, reduce, reduce, aka: pay attention:
Just like dieting, reducing one's consumption is all about paying attention to how much you use. I ask myself, Amber, do you really need that much dish soap? Hand soap? TP? Do you really need to wash your jeans every time you wear them? In addition to saving the Earth, I save money, more money then I thought. Money saved means more fun for Amber. ^.^ Of course, I carpool as I can, walk to places, organize my errands so I travel the least distance. To save on gas in my car, I switch into neutral when waiting at stop lights. If I drove less aggressively I could save more money by slowly accelerating and driving slower but you know...

That's pretty much it for now. I'm aways looking for more ways to be green. Let me know if you have any ideas. There are a few things I'd like to do as time and money allows, but that's another ramble for another time, maybe in a couple of minutes. :)

Living in the Zone

Follow this link:
http://jacquesmattheij.com/living+in+the+zone

I've noticed this phenomenon myself. I use to get in the zone when reading or working on some bit of homework (homework generally being writing, programming, physics or calculus). I swear sometimes, doing Cal II homework, I could feel my brain expanding, building new connections. I know Cal II is at the edge of where my brain can go, which is pretty cool I guess. How many people can say they know the limit of their mind? I've never been a gifted brainiac so Cal II was the limit for me, but it was really cool to watch the truly gifted work Cal equations like...I don't know, I guess it's kinda like watching a truly gifted runner run. You know, as a culture we are sure to honor the physically gifted, but it's few who watch the mentally gifted work and stand in awe. I guess you have to understand enough of what they are doing to know and appreciate how amazing they are.

I'm not a genius or an artist or a pro athlete, but I've always wanted to be. I've always worked really hard to be first. It's cost me too. My health is complete crap from trying so hard to be something I'm not. Someone said to me recently, "Life isn't supposed to be this hard. You're not supposed to be this sick. Maybe you're supposed to be doing something else." I argued of course :), but later I gave it real thought and maybe she's right. It's just that, if I can't fly I at least want to stand next to those who do. If I can't get there I want to help others get there and maybe in return they will help me fly. Even if with their help, if I never learn to fly alone, I will have at least flown, and that is better then never leaving the ground.

They say you can be anything you want. You grow up thinking that, but I'm not sure that is the right thing to say to a child because it's not true and maybe something you shouldn't even strive for. I've been told, and generally find it to be true, that you should try to do what you do well because when you do well you're happy. So instead of telling children they can be anything, why not encourage them to find what they are good at? I wonder sometimes where I would be if I had spent my childhood looking for what I was good at. Could I be one of the greats, just not at the things I have tried? Maybe we will never know.

I had this coworker. He's a couple years younger then me. I saw something amazing in him and hired him as my assistant against much resistance from my supers. I was working for the university I was attending. Generally when hiring students the university considers GPA as a mark of a good or bad employee. This student had a very low GPA, but he was a go getter. Even through I had to tell him no so many times, he kept coming back. He send me his resume a hundred times, kept coming back with letters of recommendation, etc. He would come to my office and just hang out. He'd work with me on projects for no pay. He justed wanted a chance at an IT job. He just wanted to do the work. His commitment moved me so much I went out on a limb for him and got him hired.

He's a genius. His ability to create unique solutions out of nothing is - well, I've never seen anything like it. He is devoted to his work and loves every second of it. He had made the agreement that if he was hired he would have to bring his grades up. However, that semester he had to drop every class he was taking but one. In addition, through the course of the semester he lied to me about attending class and how things were going. This made no sense to me. How could someone so gifted, so motivated, fail so hard? In time he told me the truth and admitted to the lies. He couldn't live with himself and he was tired of trying and failing. He needed help.

We talked about it for a long time. Together we soul searched and finally settled on switching his major. He moved to my major, one that would lead him out of the world of engineering and into the world of IT. It was a hard time. It was a dream of his to hold the title engineer, but he let go of it to chase what he's good at. Now he's a success. In some courses, a favorite student. I have since left my position at the university and he has taken my place. The work he does is amazing. He surpassed me like a wild fire fueled by pure desire. His school work is top shelf, his programming skills amazing. And in his free time you can still find odd projects occurring, like a vacuum cleaner becoming a leaf blower, computers booting from flash drives full of portable admin tools, and something to do with a lamp, a small motor, and his bicycle? (Still don't know what that's going to be.) I love to watch him thrive. And he still falls down sometimes. He gets bored and lets things slide as gifted people tend to do. I makes me happy to be there and help him grow. I've been told that's my gift. I help people find and reach their potential.

He inspires me too, to keep looking for what makes me great. Didn't someone once say, do what makes you happy and the rest will follow? I think they have it right. I guess it's just a matter of finding what makes you happy.